As of yesterday, April 19, 2015, Will and I have been married for 29 years.  We turned 19 a few months before we met as freshmen in college and dated for six years before we married. We’re 53 now, so you do the math.  It’s a long time.  I’ve known him longer than I haven’t know him. Saturday night we got a chance to get away overnight and celebrate our anniversary together in downtown Greenville.  Yea, #thatgreenville.  We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and stayed in a lovely hotel, and spent some time reflecting on our life together.  We talked about the notion of romantic love and how it changes over time.

Here we are at 24, totally in love and embarking on our new marriage. We were not 12, although it kind of looks like it. We were two years out of college and were both gainfully employed. Here’s another one of us as we left the reception:

Yes, I did have on Hanes “Pearl” colored pantyhose and little kitten heeled white leather shoes.  And I was wearing a hat.  My skirt and blouse were “Cloak of Many Colors”, and if you were around in the mid-80’s you know what I’m talking about.  It was 100% linen, wrinkled the moment you  moved, and had to be ironed.  What were we even thinking? Princess Diana.  We were thinking Princess Diana.  I remember being so in love with Will.  I honestly thought that if I could sleep in the same bed with him every night for the rest of my life, I would never have another problem as long as I lived. I really thought this.  I wanted to spend every moment with him, and when we were apart I was lonely.  Once in our first year of marriage he went on a fishing trip to the Everglades (I know, some things haven’t changed!) and missed him so much it hurt. Research shows that when we fall in love, levels of dopamine, adrenaline and norepinephrine increase. These are our “feel good” chemicals . Every time you start a new romantic relationship, you literally feel good.  You experience the early rush of pleasure chemicals in your brain.  After 29 years, it’s just different.  The things I felt and experienced about Will in 1985 are different than what I feel and experience about him now. Having so many years together and experiencing all the ups and downs that life together brings have given me a different perspective on what’s romantic.

Romantic love is experiencing the birth of babies together after three miscarriages. It is living on less for a long time so that I could be at home with our girls.  It’s not the right choice for every family, I know. But it was the right choice for me.

Romantic love is building a sewing table that is custom fit to the machine and serger that I had at the time.  Working nightly behind a sheet hung up in our basement so that I wouldn’t know what the surprise was and proudly carrying it into the den on Christmas morning to present to me.

Romantic love is taking little girls for a walk around the block so that I could have 30 minutes to call my own.  One on a bike, one in a stroller and one in a backpack.  It is swing sets built and trips to the Yellow River Game Ranch http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com to feed the deer so that I could have time to make Easter dresses or take a cooking class with a friend.  http://ursulacooks.com

Romantic love is coaching soccer games and attending piano recitals and driving six hours one way to Parents Weekend or to visit our college girls. It is yard work and fixing broken things and going to counseling.  It is date night and flowers and hard conversations and tears. It’s the same damn issues popping up again and again and having the courage to talk about them one more time. It’s fighting and making up. It’s loving your mom well after she’s widowed and caring for many details in her life. It’s leading a boys small group at church for 12 consecutive years, every Sunday night whether you feel like it or not. It’s sending hand written notes to people who have influenced you over the last year.

Romantic love is showing up every single day again and again and again for 29 years. It’s not quitting when you feel like you want to.  It’s hanging in there on the days that feel like too much. It’s the comfort and the assurance and the certainty that feel romantic now. Really romantic.